ADHD and neurodivergence
Making sense of ADHD in adulthood and midlife
Perhaps you have spent much of your life feeling that ordinary things seem to require more effort for you than they do for other people.
You may appear capable, organised and dependable while privately feeling overwhelmed, scattered or permanently behind. You might begin tasks with enthusiasm but struggle to finish them, lose track of time, forget important things or find yourself unable to begin something even when you desperately want to do it.
Over the years, you may have learned to compensate by working harder, preparing excessively, becoming perfectionistic or trying never to let anybody see how much effort it takes to keep everything going.
When ADHD is recognised later in life, it can provide an explanation for experiences that previously felt like personal failings. It may bring relief and validation, but it can also open the door to grief, anger, uncertainty and questions about who you might have been if you had understood yourself sooner.
Counselling offers a space to explore all of this with curiosity and compassion.
Why ADHD can be missed in women
Many of our ideas about ADHD have been shaped by how it was traditionally recognised in boys and children. Yet ADHD does not always look like visible hyperactivity or disruptive behaviour.
For many women, the experience may be much more internal. There may be a constantly busy mind, difficulty regulating attention, emotional intensity, forgetfulness, disorganisation or a sense of being mentally pulled in several directions at once.
Women may also become extremely skilled at hiding their difficulties. They may compensate through perfectionism, people-pleasing, overpreparing, working late, checking everything repeatedly or relying on anxiety to make sure things get done.
From the outside, this can look like competence. On the inside, it may feel exhausting.
You may have been described as anxious, sensitive, disorganised, inconsistent, dreamy, overemotional or not fulfilling your potential. You may have spent years trying to correct these perceived faults without understanding the way your brain processes attention, motivation, time, emotion and stimulation.
When a diagnosis changes the story of your life
Receiving an ADHD diagnosis, or beginning to recognise yourself as neurodivergent, can change the way you understand your past.
Experiences that once seemed unrelated may begin to form a pattern. School reports, unfinished projects, lost belongings, impulsive decisions, forgotten appointments, emotional reactions and periods of intense enthusiasm followed by exhaustion can all look different through this new lens.
There may be relief in discovering that you were not lazy, careless or lacking in willpower. There may also be sadness for the younger version of you who worked so hard without understanding why life sometimes felt so difficult.
You might find yourself asking:
Why did nobody notice?
How much of my life has been shaped by trying to appear capable?
Which parts of me are genuinely mine, and which developed as ways of coping?
What would it mean to stop forcing myself to function like somebody else?
How can I accept my brain without ignoring the difficulties I experience?
Who am I now that I have this new understanding?
A diagnosis does not rewrite the past, but it can offer a more compassionate way of understanding it.
Why difficulties may become more noticeable in midlife
Some women reach midlife having managed for decades through intelligence, determination, anxiety and carefully developed systems. Those strategies may work until life becomes more demanding or the structures that previously supported them begin to change.
Children may grow up and leave home. Caring responsibilities may increase. Relationships, work, bereavement, retirement or other life transitions may bring uncertainty. The routines that once held everything together may no longer be available.
Some women also notice changes in concentration, memory, sleep, emotional regulation or mental stamina during perimenopause and menopause. Research into ADHD and hormonal transitions is still developing, and every woman’s experience is different, but this period can prompt some women to seek an assessment or reconsider difficulties they have managed throughout their lives.
What once felt just about manageable may suddenly feel impossible. This does not mean that you have become less capable. It may mean that the cost of constantly compensating has become too great.
Masking, perfectionism and the cost of appearing capable
Masking involves hiding, minimising or compensating for parts of ourselves in order to meet expectations and avoid criticism.
You may have learned to rehearse conversations, copy other people’s behaviour, write endless lists, arrive extremely early or work much longer than necessary because you are frightened of being exposed as disorganised or unreliable.
Perfectionism can become a form of protection. If everything is done perfectly, perhaps nobody will notice how uncertain or overwhelmed you feel. People-pleasing may help you avoid disapproval, while constant busyness can prevent you from confronting the fear that you are falling behind.
These strategies may have helped you succeed, but they can also lead to anxiety, resentment, loss of confidence and burnout. Counselling can help you understand why these patterns developed and consider which ones still serve you.
The aim is not to remove every coping strategy. It is to create more choice, reduce shame and find ways of living that do not require you to remain permanently exhausted.
ADHD, emotions and self-esteem
A lifetime of being misunderstood can have a profound effect on self-esteem.
If you have repeatedly been told that you are careless, oversensitive, disorganised, unreliable or not trying hard enough, those messages can gradually become part of your inner voice. You may criticise yourself before anybody else has the chance to do it.
Strong emotional reactions may then be followed by embarrassment and self-blame. You might replay conversations, worry that you have upset somebody or interpret a small mistake as evidence that you are failing.
Counselling can offer space to slow these experiences down. Together, we can explore what happened, what the feeling may be communicating and whether your response belongs only to the present moment or also connects with earlier experiences of criticism, rejection or not feeling understood.
This is not about telling yourself that everything is fine. It is about developing an inner response that is truthful, steady and compassionate.
ADHD, eating and body image
ADHD can also affect a person’s relationship with eating.
Executive-functioning difficulties may make shopping, planning and preparing food feel complicated. You may forget to eat while absorbed in something else, notice hunger only when it becomes urgent or find yourself seeking food for stimulation, comfort or emotional regulation.
Sensory preferences may influence which foods feel possible. Impulsivity, irregular eating, restricted intake and intense hunger can become intertwined, while shame may lead to rigid rules and repeated attempts to regain control.
For some people, eating difficulties develop into an eating disorder. For others, eating simply feels chaotic, emotionally loaded or harder than it appears to be for everybody else.
These experiences are not evidence of greed, laziness or a lack of nutritional knowledge. Understanding the relationship between ADHD, emotion, attention, sensory experience and nourishment can create space for a more individual and compassionate approach.
My specialist experience in eating disorders allows us to explore this overlap without reducing every eating difficulty to weight, discipline or willpower.
[Button: Explore ADHD and eating resources]
How ADHD may affect everyday life
ADHD is not simply a difficulty with paying attention. Attention may be inconsistent rather than absent. You might struggle to begin a routine task while being able to focus intensely for hours on something interesting, urgent or personally meaningful.
You may recognise experiences such as:
feeling overwhelmed by tasks that appear straightforward to other people
procrastinating until urgency provides enough momentum to begin
having difficulty estimating how long something will take
forgetting appointments, conversations or where you have put things
becoming intensely absorbed in an interest and losing awareness of time
struggling to move between tasks or stop once you have started
finding planning, prioritising and decision-making exhausting
experiencing emotions quickly and intensely
feeling deeply affected by criticism, disapproval or perceived rejection
becoming perfectionistic because making a mistake feels unbearable
agreeing to too much and then feeling overwhelmed
appearing calm while your mind feels noisy and crowded
alternating between periods of intense productivity and complete exhaustion
needing novelty or stimulation but also becoming overloaded by it
feeling ashamed that knowing what to do does not always make it possible to do it
None of these experiences means that you are not trying hard enough.
How counselling can help
Counselling does not aim to train you to appear more neurotypical. It offers a place where you do not have to mask, perform or apologise for the way your mind works.
Our work might include:
making sense of a recent diagnosis or growing recognition of ADHD
processing relief, grief, anger or regret
revisiting earlier experiences through a more compassionate lens
exploring masking, perfectionism and people-pleasing
understanding emotional overwhelm and sensitivity to criticism
strengthening self-esteem after years of self-blame
identifying what genuinely helps rather than what you believe should help
developing more realistic expectations of yourself
exploring relationships, boundaries and communication
understanding difficulties with motivation, procrastination and task initiation
finding ways to work with your brain rather than remaining in conflict with it
exploring eating, body image or impulsive and compulsive patterns
rebuilding trust in your own needs, preferences and ways of doing things
We may use practical strategies when they are helpful, but counselling is not simply about becoming more organised or productive. It is also about understanding the emotional impact of living for years without an explanation and creating a life that feels more authentic and sustainable.
You do not need a formal diagnosis
You do not need to have received a formal ADHD diagnosis to begin counselling.
You may be waiting for an assessment, considering whether to seek one or simply recognising yourself in descriptions of ADHD and neurodivergence. We can explore what these experiences mean to you without assuming a diagnosis or trying to prove that you fit a particular label.
Counselling is not a substitute for a specialist ADHD assessment, and I do not diagnose ADHD or advise on medication. However, therapy can support you while you consider your options, wait for an assessment or adjust to life following diagnosis.
Your difficulties are worthy of attention even if you are still searching for the language to describe them.
My approach
I am an experienced integrative counsellor, accredited by the BACP and NCPS. My work is grounded in person-centred therapy and shaped around your individual needs, experiences and pace.
I draw on psychodynamic thinking to explore how earlier experiences and relationships may continue to influence the present. I also integrate elements of CBT, mindfulness, grounding and practical psychoeducation where these feel useful.
My approach is neurodiversity-affirming. This means recognising that ADHD can involve genuine difficulties while also respecting difference and avoiding the assumption that there is one correct way for a mind to work.
This area has professional and personal meaning for me. I understand how powerful it can be when a new explanation allows a person to look back at a lifetime of apparent inconsistencies and begin replacing self-blame with understanding.
You will not be expected to communicate perfectly, organise your thoughts before the session or arrive with a clear agenda. We can begin with whatever feels most present and work from there.
Guides and downloads
These guides and reflective resources offer more space to explore some of the experiences that can accompany ADHD and late recognition. Each resource looks at a different aspect of ADHD, from understanding how the brain works to making sense of the emotional impact of receiving a diagnosis in adulthood.
They are not intended to replace counselling, medical advice or a specialist ADHD assessment. They offer information, reassurance and opportunities for reflection that you can return to in your own time.
Understanding ADHD
A detailed introduction to ADHD in adulthood, exploring attention, motivation, executive functioning, emotional regulation, impulsivity, relationships and everyday life. It looks beyond the familiar stereotypes to consider what ADHD may feel like from the inside.
After the diagnosis: Making sense of ADHD in midlife
Receiving an ADHD diagnosis later in life can bring relief, grief, anger and a completely different understanding of the past. This guide explores the process of making sense of the diagnosis and beginning to replace self-blame with self-compassion.
Masking, perfectionism and the cost of appearing capable
Explore how over-preparing, people-pleasing, perfectionism and working harder than everybody else can conceal ADHD difficulties. This guide considers why these strategies develop, what they may cost and how life might feel without the constant pressure to appear completely in control.
ADHD, hormones and midlife
A compassionate exploration of ADHD during perimenopause, menopause and other midlife transitions. This guide considers why familiar coping strategies may become less effective and how changing capacity can create an opportunity to understand and support yourself differently.
ADHD and eating disorders
Explore how dopamine, impulsivity, sensory needs, executive functioning and emotional regulation can affect eating. This guide looks at irregular eating, restriction, compulsive or impulsive eating and the shame that can develop when these experiences are mistaken for a lack of discipline or willpower.
What helps my brain?
A practical workbook for identifying what genuinely supports your attention, energy, emotional regulation and everyday functioning. Rather than offering another rigid system to follow, it helps you create a personal guide based on your own needs, patterns and experience.
Looking back with a different story
A reflective timeline for reconsidering earlier experiences through the lens of ADHD and neurodivergence. This resource helps you recognise the effort, adaptations and strengths that may have been hidden beneath years of self-criticism.