Grief and loss

Grief can change the shape of an ordinary day. You may reach for your phone to tell someone something, remember they are no longer there, and feel the loss as though it has just happened. Or you may feel nothing at all for a while and wonder whether you are grieving in the right way. There is no single response you are supposed to have.

Although we often speak about grief after a death, loss can also follow the end of a relationship, a change in health, the loss of a hoped for future or the absence of something you never had. This page focuses particularly on bereavement and the complicated feelings that can accompany it. Life changes and transitions have their own page because they deserve space in their own right.

What grief might feel like

You may experience sadness or longing, but grief may also bring shock, disbelief, anger, guilt, relief, anxiety or numbness. These feelings can coexist. You might laugh at a memory in the morning and find an everyday object unbearable in the afternoon. Sometimes you manage a whole day of tasks and the grief arrives when you finally stop.

Grief can affect the body and mind. Sleep, appetite, energy and concentration may change. You may find it hard to remember a conversation or make a simple decision. The NHS describes a range of responses to bereavement, including shock, exhaustion, anger and guilt. None of these feelings, on its own, tells us how much you loved someone.

Other people may expect grief to follow a timetable, especially once the funeral is over or the first anniversary has passed. Your experience may be quite different. There is no required sequence of stages and no deadline by which you should be “over it”.

The relationship was yours

The meaning of a loss depends partly on the relationship that existed. You may miss a person intensely and also have been hurt by them. You may feel relief that their suffering has ended, or relief that an exhausting period of caring has ended, and then feel guilty about the relief. Perhaps the relationship was distant, estranged or never what you hoped it could be. There may be grief for the person and for what was never possible between you.

The death itself can shape what follows. Sudden or traumatic circumstances can leave frightening images and unanswered questions. A long illness may mean you began grieving before the death, while still feeling unprepared when it came. Sometimes the practical work of caring, arranging a funeral or managing an estate leaves very little space to feel anything until later.

There is room to speak about the relationship as it really was, including love, ambivalence, resentment and tenderness. You do not have to present a simpler version of the person or of yourself.

Living with reminders and changing roles

A birthday, a song, the empty chair at a table or a form that asks for your next of kin may bring the loss unexpectedly close. You might need to learn tasks the other person used to do, make decisions alone, or find out who you are in a role that has changed. These practical adjustments do not make your grief less personal. They are part of living in a world that has changed.

Bereavement researchers Stroebe and Schut describe people moving between attention to the loss and attention to the demands of living after it. You may spend time remembering and crying, then concentrate on work, take pleasure in a conversation or arrange the week's shopping. Those movements can be a way of coping. A good moment does not mean you have forgotten.

How counselling can help

Counselling cannot undo the loss or tell you when to stop grieving. It can offer a steady place to speak freely, especially if you feel pressure to protect other people or to be “doing better”. We can talk about the person, the circumstances of the loss, what was left unsaid and what daily life is like now. We can also make room for silence when words are difficult.

My approach is integrative and grounded in a person-centred relationship. We may explore the meaning of the relationship, earlier losses that have been stirred up, guilt or anger that feels hard to admit, and the ways you are adapting to life now. If the death was traumatic, we can attend carefully to safety and pace, and consider whether specialist support is needed. I would not impose a sequence of stages or suggest that maintaining a bond with someone you love prevents you from living your life.

Some people come soon after a loss. Others come years later, when an anniversary, a new relationship or a change in circumstances brings grief into focus again. Both are welcome.

Ways to support yourself

Try to lower the demands you place on yourself where you can. Food, rest and a little contact with someone trustworthy may matter more than keeping up appearances. You might ask a friend for something specific: to sit with you, help with paperwork, listen to a memory or talk about ordinary things for an hour.

You may want a small ritual, such as keeping a photograph nearby, writing to the person, visiting a meaningful place or cooking something they loved. You may prefer not to do any of these. The choice is yours. Notice which reminders feel comforting, which feel too much just now, and whether you need a little company or a little quiet.

If you find yourself able to enjoy a moment, you do not have to give it back as a form of loyalty. Love and life can continue alongside grief.

When more support is needed

There is no timetable that determines whether grief is “normal”. If your distress feels unmanageable, you are finding it hard to function, you are concerned about depression or the circumstances of the death keep intruding in frightening ways, contact your GP. Counselling, bereavement services and other treatment can complement one another. New or concerning physical symptoms also deserve medical advice.

If you feel unable to keep yourself safe or are thinking about suicide, seek urgent help. In England, contact NHS 111 and select the mental health option. If there is immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E. Serene Oak Counselling is not an emergency service.

Online counselling for grief and loss

I offer online counselling for adults. You do not need to know what you want to say in a first session. We can begin with what has happened and what feels hardest today, at a pace you can bear.

If you would like to talk about whether counselling with me might help, you are welcome to get in touch.